Amber Romance
by Frisky-Tart
Summary: Part 3 of a 4 part series. "I'm content being held prisoner by the thought of Sebastian, and I long for his touch."
1. Chapter 1: Static

A/N: I do not profit from or own any of the content within except for this fan-made story. I will only put this disclaimer once for this piece because it is so short and I do not wish to interrupt the flow. This is part 3 of a 4 part series, the other two can be found on my page and the first one is "Love Spell" and the second is "Pure Seduction." They are written independently of each other, but they go better together. It contains yaoi, so if you don't like, then don't read! (:

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Dearest Diary,

It was burning, searing, absolutely the most painful thing I have ever said to someone else, and it hurt even more because I loved him more than anything in the world, no, not loved, I still love him more than anyone or anything else. After my harsh words rolled off my tongue I instantly regretted them, and just like that, he turned and walked out of my life without a second glance over his broad shoulder.

I dropped Alois's hand and waited for Sebastian to walk out of the mansion with the servants in tow before I walked over to the window to watch him leave. I don't know why I felt so horrid because I was the one who betrayed him in the first place, but I felt lower than the dirt he walked on...no, I felt numb. Not the same numb I felt when my parents were killed, but the kind where you know you'll never regain sensation. It's as if I'm lost at sea, and he was my only light to shore, and I spat in his face in favor of Alois.

As soon as he was out of my eyesight, I fell to the floor and sobbed like a child. My God, I cried over a butler, but not my parents. Even as I'm writing this now, I can't help but let a few tears fall for myself; I slept with Alois before I slept with my own lover. Who can do that to the person they love? That's why I sent him away, but it was the last thing I wanted. I love him!

When Alois helped me up, he wiped away my tears and said something like, "He's just a servant," or, "Am I not all you need now? That's what you told him."

I wanted to die.

I can never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. I suppose it was weakness in my own heart, or lust on my part for what Sebastian didn't give me. I was anxious to taste the forbidden fruit, and like Eve, I've damned myself to eternal suffering with only you as a true companion.

My memory may not be the sharpest, but I'll bleed to you everything I know of myself, and when I'm empty and dead you'll have all my secrets, all my desires, and all my suffering...which is more than any lover should keep. And to whomever is reading this now, you'll be my best friend, my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, but most importantly, you'll eventually be me.

Yours in eternity,

Ciel


	2. Chapter 2: White Noise

Dearest Diary,

How wonderful can love be? I read in novels all the time that it's cheerful, warm, and everlasting; that it can make an eternal scar on even the toughest skin. I can't remember the soft caress of my mother or the tender pats from my father, but Sebastian's touch still lingers on my lips. His hot touch I still feel on my skin, his strong arms around my waist, his soft breath on my ear...his voice ringing in my ears. I get flighty when I think of him and my stomach knots when I think of what I have done to him in return for his kindness. What will I do without him?

He invades all my senses like a thick fog in the night and I can't focus throughout the day. Today at dinner, I couldn't even hold conversation with Alois, which caused him to become displeased with me, which then lead to Claude's disapproving glare and whispers from the shattered Triplets. Alois then proceeded to make fun of me, and once we were alone he tried to force himself on me, but only while Claude was watching.

It was only after I fully refused that he decided Claude should give him a bath, which is now the only time I have to write to you. I am completely alone. My existence here is nothing more than an empty shell; a toy for Alois to do with what he will.

And I agreed to it all.

He promised me wonderful things if only I would stay with him, and I took his word for truth because I was too blissfully happy with Sebastian, and I thought nothing could go wrong so long as he was by my side. He was my rock, my pillar of strength, my net to catch me if I fell.

But I'm falling fast into a sea of black, cold nights and I can't swim. I'm treading the deadly waves of death, and all around me I can see the shore; the mistakes I've made, and I know where my savior resides, but it's entirely too far for me to venture on my own. I'm growing weaker and weaker as time passes; how much longer can I survive without his love? My only lifeline in sight is a spider's thread, and those ties aren't strong enough to save me, let alone the spiders themselves that weave such nets.

It's not as if I want that anyway.

Forever yours,

Ciel


	3. Chapter 3: Flicker

Dearest Diary,

I have come to terms with this whole ordeal, and I have decided that the memories of the past won't weigh me down any longer. I chose this path for a reason, though that reason may still be unclear, I have made it my highest priority to make Alois happy. After all, I have given myself to him entirely, so it would be rude of me to just throw that kind of intimacy away as if it were trash.

My dreams are still plagued with images of Sebastian, and the same dream keeps coming to me; it's the scene where I shattered his heart to pieces. I may be a noble and the head to the House of Phantomhive, but personal matters do have priority over social obligations, especially when it comes to servants.

What am I saying? Sebastian isn't just my servant, but my first love. My candle in the darkest of night, my loyal watchdog…

I can't be bothered with that now, not after I have sworn to love only Alois. Though, I find it rather suspicious that he only smiles when Claude is close. Alois is rather odd, but this is the bed I've made, and this is the life I've chosen; I shall rest my weary head here for many years to come. I say I'm not bothered, but I'm still aching inside, as if something isn't right about this situation.

He doesn't look at me during breakfast, but focuses nearly all of his attention of Claude, but that's nothing new. I ventured out into the courtyard today and found the Triplets, well, what's left of them, clinging to each other as if they would break apart without each others' arms. I wonder what it would be like to have that strong of a bond with someone, to actually feel as though you can't live a moment without them. I might have felt this way once, but I'm going to try my hardest to reach that point with Alois.

I'm thinking of offering myself to him tonight. He was my first, but I can't really remember all the events, so why not renew the memories? I hope these actions will spring forth memories for me, so that I might remember my first time, and perhaps it will kindle a fire inside us and make us inseparable. After being in the darkness for so long I yearn for that internal light called love; an emotion I haven't received in nearly a lifetime.

I'll do it. Tonight after dinner, just after Claude tucks us into bed, I'll offer myself, body and soul, to Alois. I only hope he will accept something as broken as me.

Truly yours,

Ciel


	4. Chapter 4: Blank

Diary,

The acceptance of something as broken and defiled as I is a possible feat, but it is not as beautiful as I wished. He looked down on me with his cold and unforgiving eyes as if I were below dirt...and I am. I'm worthless in every sense of the word: I am of no true value, I'm not useful like his servants are, I have no good qualities, and I deserve contempt. How could I have been so stupid as to have offered myself to him? It's almost like I thought I was worth something in his eyes.

He looks at Claude in a different light, though. One can truly tell there is something between them; some force I cannot see with my actual eyes, but my heart's eyes can see it. As if a hazy mist invades the room, rosy in hue and it makes me ache all over with curiosity. Perhaps it is in the way Claude pours his tea in an exceptionally slow manor? Is it in the way he takes longer than normal as he dries him after a bath? Could it be in how he obviously takes Alois and holds him higher than everyone else? Alois only touches me when Claude is around, and I can feel his intense stare on me with every move that takes place.

I don't want to live like this anymore. My stomach aches constantly, my head throbs from all the crying I do behind closed doors, and when I see a knife or anything that could potentially take my life I have to fight the impulse to run off with it. I can't feel anymore; my body is numb to everything and I no longer feel sympathy, anger, pain, happiness, or even loneliness. I don't feel, I don't think, I don't sleep, I don't do anything unless I'm talking to you, and even then it's no more than a pen scribbling on paper. I miss...no never mind. Even the trivial action of writing his name is enough to make me cry for days at a time, and I don't know how to even begin telling you how much of myself he took with him.

I am a useless, broken toy and I need to be taken out with the rest of the rubbish. Claude would be more than happy to oblige...and I certainly do not blame him. I'm no better than the soiled food he takes out after breakfast, and it seems as if I'm only in the way here.

Oh! Alois is calling me back to bed. I couldn't sleep and it's well into the night as I'm writing this, but this is usually the best time to write so that I may hide you where no one else can find you; no one else may know of my secrets. To tell you the truth, you are my only real friend in this bitter situation. I must leave you now.

Goodnight,

Ciel


	5. Chapter 5: Faint

My dearest friend,

The events past have been forgiven. I woke this morning after a long night's sleep only to learn Claude and Alois had been fighting. This wasn't one of their occasional quarrels either, this one feels more astounding. Needless to say, Claude has decided to step out for a few days, and whenever Claude leaves Alois in any way he feels the strong urge to cry and cling. I was the only person to rise and meet his needs. He wept into my shoulder and then looked up at me with sorrow in his eyes.

My heart froze, and in that moment he forgave me for my unpleasant behavior as of late as well as accepted me as his own. I...couldn't be more happy that someone accepts me just as I am and tonight we will belong to each other exclusively. I have finally found my new light in the darkness of reality.

The two remaining of the Triplets shook their heads at me today after Alois accepted myself, and I demanded to know what they meant. Usually I ignore them and go about my business, but this pertained to me on a personal level; they said something that sounded like, "The blonde tramp has feelings only for the spider." I don't quite understand this yet, but it does intrigue me. I shall ponder more on this after I have returned.

~*~

I stepped away from Alois only to tell you that we officially belong to each other, and I remember every detail, every sigh, every moan, every thought that went through my mind...and I must tell you now in confidentiality that they were not of Alois. I've only grown fond of Alois, but I don't love him like I...I really must stop that. He's gone forever now, and there is nothing I can do about it.

At any rate, I must leave...wait, I believe I hear Alois speaking. Yes! He is speaking with Claude in the other room! They...are speaking of me, and Seb- sorry. He's telling Alois...oh God! What have I done? Claude is confessing his love for Alois, and Alois is believing him! I can't see to write anymore...the tears won't stop falling. I've been used! ...life just isn't fair. I cannot hope to win at this rate, and I believe I would be better off dead.

Clinging desperately,

Ciel


	6. Chapter 6: Glow

Diary,

I hate myself, and I deserve to be tortured. I've been lied to, betrayed, and I've done nothing but the same in return to the only person who loved me in this whole world. I never belonged to Alois like I thought I did, and I forced my first time to be with someone who was using me for their own selfish gain. Alois only wanted Claude from the start and used me as bait. I was blind and hopelessly hung out to dry with the rest of his laundry. He is in the other room as we speak, doing things I can't imagine, and I'm here, crying to myself in solitude...wanting nothing more than a simple touch from Sebastian; to feel a gentle, yet firm hand on my shaky, vulnerable shoulders.

I am ruined...and by no means could I ever give myself back over to Sebastian, who was nothing but good to me. He deserves someone who will love him unconditionally, someone who won't sleep around with other people, and certainly someone who won't stab him in the back and order him away...like I did. Oh, what have I done? If I only knew sooner that Alois did nothing to me maybe...no, what's done is done, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can only hope that I won't be tossed out in the streets. Sure, I could throw my name around and get whatever I want, but what good would that do? I am worthless to myself, so how could I ask anyone else for help? How could I take advantage of others and their ignorance?

FINISHED


	7. Chapter 7: Flare

Diary,

I dreamed of him last night, and it was incredible. This overwhelming warmth that has taken me over...I almost cannot remember the last time I felt this way, and it's something I long for again. It's as if every object I see holds a memory of him. Suddenly everything comes to life and I can feel sensation tenfold. I haven't left my room even for food. I'm content being held prisoner by the thought of Sebastian, and I long for his touch. I touch myself in every place I imagine him touching me, and my stomach is in knots. If I close my eyes tight enough I see bubbles of color and I can barely make out his skin tone, which is enough to satisfy me...for now.

Where does one draw the line at infatuation? I can live like this forever, but if he were here with me...no. I shall not write it. I long to run my fingers through his raven locks again. I want to feel his breath hot with passion for me. I want his heat pressed against me so that it drives me wild every time he moves in the slightest. I want his lips fighting for control over mine, and I want to suck his tongue and drive him wild with desire. How can such a simple act have such an intense effect on a demon? It's dangerous for a human to have such power, but I am not frightened. I'm ready to handle him.

All of this emotion and want from a single dream? Have I gone mad? I now have my legs painfully crossed so that I might warrant some self-control over my own body. This must be bliss. Content in merely the thought of him; waves of pleasure engulf me and I'm drowning in a sea of love. This is surmise. This is everything I thought it would be, and I want to escape this hell I've made for myself so that I might indulge in Sebastian...my one and only true love.

I shall leave you with this,

Ciel


	8. Chapter 8: Burning

Diary,

I saw him last night at my window. Alois gives me full run of the estate now that he and Claude have worked out their repressed feelings, but I choose to stay here in the hopes that Sebastian will come to my rescue. He was here, I could feel it. I was having trouble sleeping without his presence to calm me, of course, but after a while the wind stopped jostling the curtains slightly, and I knew he was there. No, I was not frightened, but comforted knowing that his loving eye was cast over me. Nothing in the world could harm me if I was in his sight. Just as I drifted to sleep, I felt his gentle touch caress my forehead. I was at the point of remembering only that, but my sense of touch was numbed so that I could not know for certain in that moment if I was being touched at all; I know now without a doubt it was him.

I'm going to try and feign sleep tonight in the hopes he comes again, that I might beg him for forgiveness. I want him to sweep me up in his arms and carry me away in the night, like in a fairytale. I know they aren't real, but when I'm with him I feel as if anything can be accomplished. Of course, he is other-worldly and has been given gifts no human could ever replicate...that might add a certain dazzle to the mix, but all in all I would love him no less if he were completely human. Being human is so confusing. If Sebastian wants something, he takes it, and here I am wanting him more than anything else and I have all the means to get back to him...I cannot bring myself to move any further than this desk. I feel shame for my previous actions against him. Would he forgive me? How could he?

I summoned him here to this place, roped him into a contract with me, and now I am going back on my word in the name of love? It seems as though he has been given the shoddy end of it all, but then he could have left at any moment, right? Can a demon learn to love a human like me? The way he holds me, like a precious glass sculpture, says enough to convince me. He utters my name so softly that I could never refuse him; as if a name could be broken if spoken too loudly.

It is time. I must retire now if I am to perfect the illusion of sleep before he arrives. Hopefully this is the last night I have to go without his arms around me.

Forever yours,

Ciel


	9. Chapter 9: Blaze

Diary,

He came last night! It was truly him! I was feigning sleep: shallow breathing, little to no movement, eyes closed, and my entire body felt numb. I had to occasionally pinch myself to make sure I was awake. In this placid state, he appeared at the window and watched me for only a few moments, then whispered my name. Immediately, my eyes flew open and I went to look at him. He drew the curtains so that I couldn't find his form and said, "You must not see me as per your orders." Embarrassed, I dismissed the orders at once and found him instantly in bed with me. He wrapped me up in his arms and couldn't stop falling over himself; he couldn't tell me loved me because of how much love he was feeling for me in that moment. Like a child, I couldn't help but cling to him in return and cry into his strong chest.

I have never been so happy in my whole life. I was bathed in the light of day in the middle of the night, cloaked in a raven darkness that felt warmer than any summer had given me. Though I could not see them, Sebastian's tears were falling on my shoulders, so I reached up and wiped them away from his eyes, "What sort of butler shows himself to his master in such a state?" He laughed, blissfully unaware of formalities or mannerisms. I didn't care at this point. I wanted to go home with him that night, but I knew it would take another before I was allowed to travel with him.

"You smell like him." Sebastian said in a low voice. It wasn't threatening, but it wasn't a light statement. I frowned, "I know." He released me only to turn me around so that I could sit in his lap facing away. He wrapped his arms around me again and nuzzled my neck, "I'll have to fix this before you leave this place." I sighed. Though I wanted our first time to be in my own home, I knew there was no other choice. I didn't want to leave this place reeking of Alois; everyone would know my shame. He kissed my neck and teased my thighs until I could bear it no longer, and eventually he had me pinned on the bed moaning his name. It was so much different with him. He knew my body like no one else, and treated it like a precious jewel. He made me feel so relaxed and loved, and in the end he laid his scent in me. It will take a few hours to mask the other, but I have time to wait. He is coming for me tomorrow night. Finally, everything is perfect.

Yours truly,

Ciel


	10. Quenched

Diary,

This is not your previous master, but I shall end this chapter nonetheless. As Ciel is mine now, we no longer have use for you. You shall bear the harbored emotions I was absent for, but you shall also tell the story of how we overcame such a wicked plot. I shall leave you here that Alois might find you. He is curious enough to read someone's diary while they have been stolen away.

You have served your purpose,

Sebastian Michaelis

Alois put the book back on the desk and gave a hearty laugh, "Looks like Ciel got his way after all, eh Claude?"

Claude, who was looking over Alois's shoulder, gave a slight chuckle and placed his hands on Alois's hips, "I suppose he has served his purpose. I don't want to hear his name in this mansion again."

Alois grinned and threw his arms around Claude's neck, "What are we going to have for breakfast?"

Claude leaned forward and licked Alois's neck from the base up to his left ear, "You."

He cackled at the new attention, "And for lunch?"

"You." Claude said in a husky voice.

Alois pressed himself against Claude from chest to groin, "And dinner?"

"You." Claude said as he slid a hand below the waist of his pants.

Alois gave a light moan, "I guess we'll live on love."

Claude placed his mouth on Alois's ear and whispered, his voice rich with desire, "You're all I need, Your Highness.


End file.
